Chronicles of the baby boomers

Funny commentaries on growing up in the baby boomer generation

by a. j. Lombardi Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved

Chapter 1.  Popular toys mostly weapons

Chapter 2.  T.V. shows

Chapter 3.  Neighbors in da hood

Chapter 4.  Don’t mess with the law DRAGNUT Case 1

Chapter 5.  Don’t mess with the law DRAGNUT Case 2.

Chapter 6.  The real face times

Chapter 7.  Bus driver who loved Wayne Newton part 1.

Chapter 8.  Bus driver who loved Wayne Newton part 2.

Chapter 9.  Gregory and the kite

Chapter 10. Baby boomer test

 

Chapter 1.

Baby Boomer Most Popular Toys; Weapons

Just think of how things have changed!  When I was a kid the most popular toys were weapons! To name a few; Daniel Boone ax, Zorro sword, Dick Tracy Tommy gun, Zorro bullwhip, Lone Ranger six shooter...   When I saw Santa I said,” Hey Santa, this year I want a Rifleman gun and a Daniel Boone ax!   He said, "That's great Tommy! Your friend Billy was here earlier, and he asked for a Zorro sword.  I guess you kids are on the neighborhood crime watch program. "I heard the Comanches are moving in! Do you want me to throw in a grenade launcher? "This way you and the kids in the neighborhood could invade Cambodia in the spring!" Just image today a kid going up to Santa Clause and

saying I want a Mr. Rogers cruise missile,  Pee Wee Herman brass knuckles, and a Mickey mouse tire iron!

Chapter 2.

What about TV shows

As you know, TV shows do have a big impact on our culture.  We like to believe that our favorite TV characters are real people, and sometimes we may try to emulate the way they dress or talk or even behave. Today most TV shows are about cops and  special agents. There is no discrimination on who gets whacked (both the good guys and bad guys end up dead).  Back in the day, it was cowboys shows that were the most popular. The bad guys who got taken out the most were usually Indians and outlaw Mexicans! For the most part, it was the Indians you had to watch out for!   "They were the real bad dudes" "I mean, I was afraid to go outside! "Like they were scalping people every week on Gun smoke, and Benson Hurst is not that far from Oklahoma!

Don't mess with Ben Cartwright and his homey gees! 

One of the TV westerns I really enjoyed was Bonanza.  That was a great series! It came on every Sunday night and always had a good story line. It was like they were real people that you wanted to be friends with.  There was always a good story line and a message about how the good guy always wins by doing the right thing. "I'll tell ya something else, Ben Cartwright was a stand-up guy!   He was always helping people out and sometimes people tried to screw him for being a good guy. But in the end, the Cartwright's would always settle the score. "If you know what I mean."

Illegal aliens squatting on the Ponderosa?  Whaaaaaat!

There was this one time when a family of gypsies tried to squat on Bens Ponderosa land!    "These people were dirt poor! "I mean if you ever heard of a three-bean salad, why these people were so poor they only had one bean!    "Not only were they illegal aliens, but they were squatting on Ponderosa property and even stealing Bens cattle to have barbecues and make beef tacos! When Ben found out he actually gave them a break and let them settle on his property without paying a dime. Sort of like the landlords over in Benson Hurst are. "That's the kind of good guy Ben was!"

"Let me tell you this buddy!  "If you mess with the Cartwright’s,” You’re in big trouble! Why there were five guys living in the house which included hop sing the Chinese cook who happened to be a karate expert!   If I recall, there was a ranch hand named Candy. I think he lived in the barn. "Yea that would not go well today! "Just image this, "Hey honey, you know the Smith family across the street?  Yea, they have a forty-two-year-old guy named Candy living in their shed! "Helloooo Elaine!!! That would go well today! boom generation.  Some of the chapters will include all you favorite T.V. weekly sitcom characters as well as funny commentary on weekly shows like Dragnet, Zorro, Daniel Boone, The Lone Ranger and many more...You won't stop laughing when you read the first edition of the very funny spoof baby boomer newspaper!

Did Ben Cartwright own Home Depot?

The Cartwright’s were always helping strangers out. “But don’t kid yourself buddy!   “Ben and his boys didn’t take junk from anybody! “You don’t dis on the Cartwright’s and think you’re going to get away with it!  “If you think Arnold Schwarzenegger is bad, “heck, these guys even carried shotguns when they went to the bathroom! “Yea that’s right!  Whatever you do you better not mess with Ben Cartwright! “He was like the Fonce, and he was the richest guy in town.” I think he had about a thousand dollars.   It was like having fifty million dollars. Back in those days a dime would get you a haircut, a shave, eat lunch and put a down payment on your house! I heard that Ben Cartwright even owned Home Depot.   “Ya got to figure he had all that Ponderosa wood. “Like, “He was always sending his son Hoss into town to pick up supplies. I recall when Hoss went into town that always meant trouble! He appeared to be a gentle giant but in reality, he was a real tough guy! “I mean if his buckboard got a flat, he would just lift it up while his brother little Joe changed the wooden tire. Hoss was like watching Vin Diesel on steroids!” Folks, this cowboy would go into town for supplies and end up wasting about five guys because they laughed at his hat, or maybe left a fingerprint on his buck board! “Talk about road rage, I guess they didn’t have anger management class back then! “Yea the Cartwrights were bad dudes!

Little Joe a fast draw who could waste a guy just for petting his horse!

Little Joe’s High School Photo 

I remember one episode when little Joe and Hoss went on dates to a circus, or it could have been a barn dance.  They were actually strapping colt 44’s on their side with about 60 bullets in their gun belts! Just think of some guy knocking at the door to take your sister out on a date wearing a 357 magnum on his side!  The girls loved little Joe Cartwright, “but don’t let that smile fool you! I mean he was a fast draw and would waste a guy for just petting his horse. “I guess the word intolerance wasn’t in his vocabulary.”   In the end you can’t fully blame the Cartwright boys for their sometimes lapse in judgement. I’m sure the undertaker appreciated the business!

Chapter 3.

The company you keep and your neighbors (Mr. Rogers did not live in this hood)!

They say that your known by the company you keep.  "Well let's go over this. it wasn't exactly Mr. roger’s neighborhood where little Joe and Hoss Cartwright grew up.   "Just have a look at a few of their neighbors who were on the welcoming committee. "You had one guy named Lucas McCain.   His nickname was the Rifleman! "I mean if the guy who lives across the street is the Rifleman, that kind of sends up a red flag right away!  "Imagine this guy showing up at the school father daughter dance! The Sopranos weren't even born yet and this guy went around calling himself the Rifleman. He had this special rifle with a lever that he would pump up and down and start spraying bullets everywhere.   "In fact, his rifle was a very popular toy when I was a kid.

Other great role models and members of the neighborhood crime watch!

Sidekick Tonto - he sounded like a grown man who spoke like a two-year-old?

Then there was this other guy named the Lone Ranger.  He also wore a mask and slept with his gun. This character would jump off his horse and beat about five guys up at the same time and his cowboy hat would never fall off his head!  "Just think some new guy moving into the condo next door introducing himself as "The Lone Rancher" That kind of sends up another red flag. The Lone Ranger had sidekick named Tonto. I could never understand this guy Tonto. I think he was some kind of Indian.   He couldn't speak right "He was a grown man that spoke like a two-year-old! He would always utter half sentences like "me go now" "you catch bad guy" kimosabe eat now." I knew parrots who had better grammar than this guy! I think he had Jethro Bodine as an English teacher!

Paladin could have been a hit man for the Sopranos great grandfather!

I almost forgot, there was this other outstanding member of the community named Paladin.  Now this guy was a real character! He wore all black and carried a business card that read “Have gun will travel” Just imagine him going into Starbucks and passing out his business card!   "It was like he was a hit man for the Sopranos great grandfather! If you gave him some grain for his horse, he would whack your neighbor."    What about the kids at school? I can see little Joe Cartwright going up to his father Ben and saying "hey pa there's a new kid at school and nobody wants to play with him.   "I think I want to be his friend. "His name is Cochise He has a Daniel Boone ax just like mine. "Tell me folks, "are these the kind of people you want your kids to hang around with?   I mean little Joe never got to play it play hopscotch with the Brady bunch. 

The last guys I remember from the old neighborhood were Daniel Boone and his best man Davy Crockett. "I'm not talking about chip and dale. These guys actually had axes and knives named after them!  Whaaaat!   "That's right!   These guys would actually throw a small hand-held ax and split a tree in half that was about the size of a California giant redwood!  "For the record, " That ax was a very popular toy, and I did get one for Christmas. Davy Crockett actually had his own theme song and it went something like this "Davy Davy Crockett king of the wild frontier he killed a bear when he was three Davy Davy Crockett...    "Folks when I was three, I wet my pants! "Can you image how tough this guy was!      "You think Arnold Schwarzenegger is bad? "This guy went around killing bears with a binky in his mouth when he was only three!

Other great role models and members of the neighborhood crime watch!

Across the street you had another guy named Zorro.   "Now check this out. This guy wore all black, carried a sword and a black whip, and even wore a mask to hide his identity!    "Not exactly a good role model. I have to admit, I also got a Zorro sword for Christmas. Zorro would never knock at the front door if invited for dinner!  "He would usually crash through the second-floor window waving his bullwhip or sword!" He could pop a guy's head off with one snap from his bullwhip! He was the original graffiti artist in that he would always carve a big Z on your freshly painted wall!   I don't think his application for Big Brothers was approved!"

Chapter 4.

Don’t mess with the law buddy!  

"This is the city--Los Angeles, California." "I carry a badge." "My name's Saturday." This my partner Sgt. Jack Slebb.

"Just the facts, ma'am"

These are the stories

The case of; "The stolen green Kool Aid"

Sept. 22, 1965   10.00 A.M My partner and I received a call from the local corner store that a robbery had just taken place.

10:03 A.M.  We arrived at the scene.

The store owner informed us that a group of young hooligans had just stolen a five pack of green Kool Aid.  He described the group as young teenagers who chewed their gum loudly and scuffling their feet as they walked. As we were interviewing the store owner, a young lad about five years old stepped forward.  "Hey officer! "I know the boy who stole the green Kool Aid! "His name is Tommy Tringles. It was a great lead and we thanked the young lad for helping us move forward in solving this crime.

10:07 A.M. We arrived at the home of suspect "Tommy Tringle.  A woman answered the door and identified herself as Tommy's mother. "Ma’am we are here on official police business!   Your son Tommy has been fingered in a crime that took place at the corner store. "We would like to talk to the lad. Tommy's mother replied, "I'll get him right away officer, it may take a few moments,” Tommy has been running off to the bathroom every five minutes! I think he may have been drinking a lot of liquids today! My partner and I looked at each other and knew we were definitely onto the culprit.

10:09 A.M Young Tommy came down stairs to meet us.  I asked him, "Are you Tommy Tringles? "What's it to ya coppa!  "I didn't steal any green Kool Aid! "You need evidence for that!   "Listen here young man! Keep up the cocky attitude, and your buying yourself a one-way ticket to the big house!  "You got that mister! “And by the way mister, you're the first eleven-year-old I've seen wearing a green mustache!

"Don't cuff me officer, I have to go to the bathroom right now.  I motioned my partner to prevent the lad from heading to the bathroom door.  "Let go mister! "I have to go right now! "No way sonny! "We have all the evidence we need.  "There's a flow of green pee pee running down the front of your knickers!

10:12 A.M.  We drove the suspect back to the station for booking. It was a slam dunk case.  When the case came to court, the suspect was charged and is now spending two years in the Dept. of Corrections for his crime.

Lesson learned; Crime doesn't pee I mean pay!

Chapter 5.

Don’t mess with the law buddy!  

The case of; "The Indian Hunter"

Sept. 23, 1964 10:00 A.M

My partner and I received a call that a guy wearing a raccoon on his head and carrying an antique rifle was seen walking down Hollywood and Vine.

10:03 A.M.  We arrived on the scene and questioned the suspect.   When asked to show his ID he answered "I'm Daniel Boone king of the wild frontier"   "I think you may be lost buddy, Warner Brothers is a half mile down the road!   He said he was on the lookout for wild injuns!  "Apparently he wasn't politically correct. I informed that this was 1964 and people don't use the term injuns when referring to redskins.

10:07 A.M.  A group of hippies approached us shouting "save the animals" save the animals, no more leather" no more leather... This did not go well with Mr. Boone! He was wearing a buckskin jacket and what looked like a raccoon on his head.  It did not help the situation when he said that he just shot a bear and was in the market for buffalo hides.

One of the young hippies approached Mr. Boone trying to sell him pot.    Mr. Boone said he had his own pot that was passed down from his great grandmother.  He then said, "I make the best possum stew in that pot!

Mr. Boone further agitated the crowd when he said, "He was on the lookout for Mexicans” One of the hippies in the crowd shouted loudly calling Mr. Boone a racist!" "Don't you know that California is a sanctuary state!  Mr. Boone shouted back, "I just came back from the Alamo buddy! Tell that to Jim Bowie! I could see that Mr. Boone was becoming very agitated.   I said, "hold your horses Mr. Boone, you’re going to start a riot! He replied, "I tried to hold my horses, but I was outnumbered by the Comanches last night!

Chapter 6.  The real face times.

The Real Face Time  ( It was called in your face)! A seventh grader who stayed back about four times, had a full beard, drove a car to school and would punch your lights out if you didn't give him a cigarette!"

Calling your friends (Never touch the doorbell)!

Stand outside like a nincompoop and yell your friends name in a melodic voice    Jiiiimmmmmy...Jiiiimmmmy...

There were so many kids in my neighborhood that Saturday afternoon sounded like prayer hour in Saudi Arabia!

Televisions (Three channels, a rabbit ear antenna or coat hanger)! Forget about colored T. V’s only the rich kids had one.  My father said we needed better things like a wheelbarrow!

Chapter 7.

The Bus Driver who loved Wayne Newton

Taken from a chapter of "Geeks Punks and Friends"

At Amazon in eBook and paperback

(A coming of age story of three wimpy friends who go back time and travel through Norman Rockwell's America)

Early the next morning Toby packed his belongings and headed for the bus stop. He didn’t know exactly where he was going but knew that it was time to leave. He also knew in his heart that the good Lord would take care of him. As he crossed the street to where the lonely bus was parked, he could hear the distant melody of an old song drifting through the morning breeze. That pleasant sound was coming from the bus. It was the song “Danke Schoen” by Wayne Newton. To Toby, that song sounded like it never did before. It had a certain kind of loveliness to it. It reminded him of a time gone by; a time when things were a bit slower and maybe a tad more innocent than they are now. The true beauty of that song reached out to Toby, and it left a pleasant impression on his heart that he would never forget. Before boarding the bus, Toby reached into his back pocket and pulled out an old five-dollar bill. It was the one Mrs. Tubsman had given him the day he left town so long ago. Why he held on to it all this time he didn’t know. Maybe it let him hold on to a bit of his past that was now long ago and far away. It was sort of like the Danke Schoen song that reminded him of home. Upon boarding the bus, he noticed that he was the only passenger. The bus driver sat smiling and pleasantly bobbing his head while the Danke Schoen song flowed from his old-style transistor radio.

 With a tip of his hat and a big southern smile, the driver warmly greeted Toby with a smooth howdy boy! “Howdy to you sir!” replied Toby. “I can tell that you’re not from around these parts, boy. Where are you fixin’ to go today?” “That all depends on how far five dollars will take me,” answered Toby. “Well, I suppose that it will take you a long way from here, if that’s where you’re aiming to be!” Toby looked him in the eye and said, “The fact is I don’t know where I want to be today, but my gut feeling tells me that I’ll know when I get there! So how about if you get this bus rolling to the last stop!” “You got a deal boy!” answered the bus driver. “There’s just one thing, I like to talk. Seeing that you’re my only rider, I’m going to make an exception and let you sit up on the first seat. This way I can look over and look you in the eye when I tell you what you need to be a knowin’! I like to say that this here seat is reserved for important folks, and today, you’re one of them! I’ll tell you one thing more before we get started! You’re gonna need a lot of information for where you’re headed! And by the way boy, I got me certain rules on this here bus! And I aim to enforce them! Now listen here! ‘First rule: no interruptions while I’m a talkin’. Second rule: don’t ya ever go a sassin!’ I don’t like me no sassin or smart mouthin, no-siree! If you’re a smart mouther, you’re on the wrong bus! Causin’ if ya do any goin’ off at the mouth, I might have a mind to let ya’ll out in the middle of nowhere! ‘Third rule: no cussin’. Ya got that straight, boy?”

Toby gave the bus driver a military salute as he enthusiastically answered yes sir. “By the way boy, ya’ll can put that five dollars bill up here on the dashboard before I get this bus started.” Toby placed the five-dollar bill down as the driver requested, and the bus slowly made its way out of town. After about two miles of driving and total silence the bus driver turned over to Toby and said, “My friends call me Ralph!” Toby quickly responded, “Pleased to meet you, Ralph. My name is Toby!” “Boy I told you not to be an interuptin’ me! I done told ya that my friends call me Ralph! Why I hardly know ya and gone off a sayin’ that yer my friend! You young uns are all alike! You think ya know it all! I got me a young un just about your age, and I’ll tell ya, he’s always a sassin’ off at the mouth. Why he done told his mamma and me that he’s fixin’ to learn how to play one of those dang electric guitars! Whatever put a fool notion like that in his head? I think he snuk over to that hippie coffeehouse in town and heard some fellar playin’ his electric guitar and a singin’ and a chantin’ all those fool songs about love and peace. I’ll tell ya one thing for sure! If in I ever find that electric guitar playin’ fool that put all those dang notions in my boy’s head, I’m a gonna take him for a ride and leave him out in the desert! I hear tell that their coffeehouse is a hang out for communist! Sheriff Hockshaw should shut it down! Pretty near soon my boy will want to go over to China and be a communist hisself!

Get the full story - 

Check out "Geeks Punks and Friends" -A very funny and heartwarming coming of age story of three underdog teenagers who go back in time traveling through Norman Rockwell's America  facing many adventures of which includes; joining an outlaw motorcycle gang running with the bulls settling a feud in a hillbilly town where everyone has two first names and more...

Now on Amazon in eBook and paperback

Chapter 9. 

Gregory and the kite.

Today’s featured TRUE baby boomer funny story (Gregory & The Kite)

I think the leading character in this story should be nominated for the the doe doe bird award! I’m sure you will find it very humorous and may even know some of the characters yourself!  Back in the early days of the baby boomers, kite flying was something we all looked forward to doing during the windy days of March. In my neighborhood, most of the kids made their own. "Of course, there were some rich kids whose parents bought them a real one complete with string." There was one particular family in the neighborhood that was very poor. I think there were about twelve kids in the family. I hung around with one of the kids whose name was Gregory. Gregory’s family could never afford a real kite at flying season, "and his father didn’t have the skills to make one!

Gregory’s father had a comb over hairdo and must have used real shoe polish to color it from time to time.

One day, Gregory came to school all happy happy joy joy and announced that his father had gone to the store and bought him a real one. He boasted that he and his family would be taking it for a try out down at the field on Saturday. On Saturday, I went down to the field where a large group of kids and families were testing out their home made and store-bought kites. About ten thirty in the morning Gregory’s family approached the field in their light blue rust covered 1958 station wagon. "We all knew it was them because the car did not have a muffler and you could hear it from three miles away!"  The car had bologna skins for tires and a missing rear fender! When the car went over a bump the horn would beep. Gregory’s father had a comb over hairdo and must have used real shoe polish to color it from time to time. He was a very soft-spoken kindly man who always had a non-filter camel cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth. "He liked to laugh a lot and was not self-conscious about showing off his three teeth." When the car came to a stop in the middle of the field the whole family got out with Gregory’s dad leading the pack. The whole family was grinning ear to ear and full of anticipation about showing off the store-bought yellow kite. I must admit, it looked really nice. I think it had a picture of Superman on it. The only thing it didn’t have was a tail. I’m not an engineer, but I do know that it needs a tail to fly! If it doesn’t have a tail it won’t get off the ground, and if it does, it has a tendency to spin in all directions and crash. “Gregory’s did not have a tail!

Everyone knows that a kite needs a tale except Gregory's father! His father began running with the kite lifted about one foot above his right shoulder and cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth. He ran for about one hundred yards but could not get it any higher than about six feet. Of course, it kept on twirling around and did hit him on the head and back of the neck several times before crashing to the ground. His family kept on yelling “Run faster, run faster dad! “As I said before, without a tail, it will not fly! Gregory’s dad was persistent! That day he thought that he could outrun the laws of aerodynamics. Well after about forty-five minutes of running, the kite finally did become airborne and crashed on my grandmothers’ roof. We borrowed a ladder from a neighbor and managed to get it down. This time with sheer determination Gregory’s dad ran so fast that his comb over hairdo stood straight up! Within one minute it took off as the whole family clapped only to have their expectations crash as it got tangled in the telephone lines. Gregory’s dad began throwing rocks at it to get it down. As I recall, I think he ended up breaking the streetlight and had to pay a fine for damaging public property. Needless to say, it finally did fall to the ground full of holes and a broken center stick. With sheer humiliation the whole family headed back towards their rusty blue station wagon only to be further humiliated because the car would not start and had to be towed!

Chapter 10.

The baby boomer test.

1. Who is Eddie Munster? A. CEO of a cheese company B. Herman Munster's son

2. Who is little Jimmy Dickens? A. Famous country singer B. The paperboy

4. Who is Boy George? A. Famous pop singer from England B. A character in Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin.

5. Who is Wayne Newton? A. Famous American entertainer B. The man who invented the Fig Newton cookie.

6. Who is Little Mikey? A. The kid who once starred in the cereal commercial B. Boy who overdosed on pop tarts

7 Who is Barney Fife? A. Deputy sheriff in a famous TV show B. A purple dinosaur who plays a flute

8. Who is John Boy? A. Elton John's son B. One of the Walton’s C. Boy who spent a lot of time in the bathroom.

9. Who or what is Festus Hagen? A. Deputy who rode a mule. B. Something that makes you very itchy.

10. Who is Mitch Miller? A. Famous conductor B. A guy named Mitch who drinks a lot of beer.

11. What is a banana seat? A. A once popular bicycle seat. B. A condition portly sized people get when they eat to many bananas.

12. Who is Keith Richards? A. Member of the Rolling Stones. B. Botox spokesperson. C. The New Marlboro man. D. The Missing link.

Check out "Geeks Punks and Friends" -A very funny and heartwarming coming of age story of three underdog teenagers who go back in time traveling through Norman Rockwell's America  facing many adventures of which includes; joining an outlaw motorcycle gang running with the bulls settling a feud in a hillbilly town where everyone has two first names and more...

Now on Amazon in eBook and paperback