Welcome to the Larsonville Gazette
America's hometown newspaper since 1946
by a. j. Lombardi Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved
Let’s Take A Look at Our Newest Feature to The Larsonsville Gazette
“Ask Vinny” Starring Our Local Prom King Vinny Taskorinni”
Yo, and thanks for stopping by! Before I get started, I want all my fans to know that I think the Fonz is cool. The Fonz is the most coolamundo guy in the world, and my hero! Before I start answering a few of the questions I received in my new “Ask Vinny” column, I want yous people ta know that I’ll give the best advice I can, and by the way – “no comments about the way I spell or speak, cause I’m typing with one hand tied behind by back just to prove that I’m cooler than any of the other featured editors here! “By the way, I’d like to make a special note to yous smarty pants college kids who go to Brenville college – “don’t try to fool the Vinster with fake letters, cause that kind of shenanigans makes me agitated! If I get agitated that means “bada bing bada boom” and I might have to give yous my special doe doe bird award! Now let’s get started with the first letter.
Missy writes – Dear Vinny,
There seems to be so much violence on TV these days. I have two young children who love to watch TV. “What’s a mother to do? Why just the other day there was a very long fist fight and two shootings on Bonanza. since they cancelled Ozzie and Harriet there aren’t any good family shows for young children to watch!
Vinny responds – Yo Missy, I think your way off base on this one! “I saw the same episode myself and think that little Joe should get an award for giving that guy a beating! Let’s face the facts – a guy shows up on the Ponderosa and gets a free meal cooked by Hop Sing and then he turns around and tries to steal Ben’s wagon! “What’s up with that? That’s no way to show respect to a great guy like Ben Cartwright” I wish that I was on the Ponderosa myself so I could have given that guy the Vinster’s own special “bada bing bada boom”! Enough said, now let’s get on to the next question!
A young reader writes - Dear Vinny,
I hope you can help my friend! I’m afraid of girls -“I mean my friend is afraid of girls! My friend spends a lot of time in his room watching Star Trek and doesn’t socialize much except for going to a Lost In Space or Star Trek convention. There is a pretty girl in school that I would like to ask to the dance “I mean my friend would like to ask to the dance, but doesn’t know what to say. “Could you give me – I mean my friend some advice? Vinny responds; Yo, doe doe bird, The Vinster is on to you! You're not foolin anybody by saying your friend needs advice! “I think you and your friend are the same guy! Even so, I’ll tell ya what ya gotta do, so listen up you doe doe bird! First of all just by what you said in your letter I can tell that you spend most of your time in your room watchin Star Trek. I think captain Kirk is a pretty cool guy myself but watching 22 episodes a week is a bit much! “Shut the TV off and open the shades to let the sunshine in. A pasty yellow face matched with the same color teeth is not attractive to a young lady. “And stop eatin so many tata chips! “Dats why ya got so many pimples on your face! If your going to watch TV at least watch the Fonz and try to see how he moves. It would also do you good to respond to a Charles Atlas ad found in the back of comic books. I hope this advice helps you – I mean your friend! (That’s it for now folks – until next time this is the Vinster signing off!
Today’s Society News By Helen Tubsman) Larsonsville High Prom Highlights
Last Saturday evening was the night that every girl in Larsonsville dreams of! – The annual Larsonsville high school prom. The local high school prom was held in the school gymnasium which was beautifully decorated by members of the student council. Music was performed by a local band known as the Taskorinni brothers. Spokesperson and leader of the band (our very own Vinny Taskorinni who is the contributing editor of our newspapers “Ask Vinny column” told this reported that he has big plans for the band and hopes to someday perform on the Ed Sullivan show! Vinny was unable to perform himself that evening in that he accompanied Heather Thompson to the prom. Heather was stunning in her beautiful pink gown and her stylish beehive hairdo. Vinny, smartly dressed in gray sharkskin pegged pants, mondo boots, white shirt and classic black leather jacket was every girl dream. Needless to say, the couple were the stars of the prom and crowned king and queen. Heather said that it was a night that she would never forget! She said that Vinny showed up at her house promptly at four P.M driving his father's shiny green 1968 Rambler. The couple danced the night away to the tunes of Wayne Newton, Elvis, The Beach Boys, and Paul Anka. They were seen after the prom at eight thirty in the evening sharing a soda pop at Franky’s diner. I don’t know about you folks but romantic stories like that just make this reporters heart swoon! “That’s it for now tootaloo” Society Reporter Helen Tubsman signing off until next time!
Baby Boomer Newspaper page 2.
Larsonsville Gazette Classifieds: Help Wanted * Items for Sale
Ice cream man position now open – Great pay and career choice for a clean-cut person who can add and subtract. The successful applicant will proudly wear an ice cream man’s uniform and hat and be required to peddle a bicycle cart ten miles a day throughout our towns public park. Please submit a handwritten resume in person to our office located at 54 Main St. Larsonsville. (Please note that we are an equal opportunity employer – (Men between the ages of thirty-two and sixty are encouraged to apply)
Lost and found – Jimmy Thompson reported losing seven cents while playing marbles near the town fountain on Saturday. He intended to buy a fudge cycle and a tootsie pop with the money Jimmy is offering a reward of a half a piece of juicy fruit gum.
Paper Boy – The Larsonsville Gazette has a position for paper deliveries in the North section of town. Only strong boys who are able to carry a paper bag containing two hundred papers are encouraged to apply. Please stop in at our office located on 12 Main St. for an interview.
Eight Track Player – Like new! (Skips Only A Few Times) Now you can listen to all your favorite beetle music without having to spin records the old fashion way. Only $19.00 – See Jerry the milkman at the Larsonsville dairy.
Black and White TV – Large screen – 24 inches. (Watching Bonanza on this TV is like having Ben Cartwright in your living room! $35.00 will include rabbit ears antenna – Call society editor Helen Tubsman.
Larsonsville Sheriff’s Report Obey the Law This Means You!
An all-points bulletin was issued by Deputy sheriff Veron B. Hockshaw informing all law enforcement officials and citizens to be on the lookout for a cheesy looking girl sporting black rooted bleach blonde hair, white go-go boots and a set of bright red stick-on fingernails. The girl was also described as snapping her bubblegum very loudly. A frantic caller placed a call to the sheriff’s office on Saturday stating that the above described girl had ripped off a set of stick-on fingernails at the garage sale of Mrs. Elmer T. Tobobis.
Deputy sheriff Hockshaw arrived on the scene only to find a distraught Mrs. Tobobis in a near frantic state of mind over the incident. After calming down, Mrs. Tobobis gave a complete description to the deputy and explained that the set of stick-on fingernails – although used only once had a resale value of at least $0.75. Sheriff Hockshaw conducted a full investigation at the crime scene and did come up with some incriminating evidence (5 Bazooka bubblegum wrappers). Sheriff Hockshaw stated that this incriminating forensic evidence could lead in the capture of this notorious cheesy girl. Elmer Tobobis – husband of the victim, stated that he would provide the reward of a free haircut at his barbershop to anyone who assisted in the return of the stolen goods. (Please note that the haircut would not include a free piece of bubblegum).
Baby Boomer Newspaper page 3.
by a. j. Lombardi Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved
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The Good News Corner by Joanna Pickens;
Welcome to this week’s special of “The Good News Corner” by yours truly Joanna Pickens!
This week has marked a lot of eventful times here in our little town of Larsonsville. Fellow reporter Helen Tubsman gave a delightful moment by moment report on the Larson high prom which our very own Vinny Taskorinni was crowned King of the prom. “I must say that it is truly a blessing to have Vincent working here with us!” I don’t know how a young man could be so smart and articulate in answering so many tough questions that come to his attention. Speaking of young men, I would like to inform all the fine folks here in Larsonsville that one of our local boys Sam (Smiley) Johnson will be at the public library displaying his collection of Star Trek and Lost in Space memorabilia and collectibles. One of the most prized collectibles of Smiley is his autographed picture of Captain Kirk. I spent a little time with Smiley discussing the impact that both Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock has had on his own life. Smiley gave an interesting account of how he once meets Mr. Spock in a supermarket while vacationing with his family in California. Smiley explained that while on vacation he and his family entered a supermarket to buy some canned soup. “Wouldn’t you know it remark Smiley – “there he was, in person, Mr. Spock! He had a family just like a normal guy and was even pushing a cart. I couldn’t believe my eyes” I have to admit that his ears were not as pointy as they look on TV. I went right up to him and asked him why he let Dr. Mcoy push him around so much. He just smiled and gave me the Vulcan sign. I thought it was a little odd because Vulcans are supposed to smile! After my interview ended with Smiley, I must say that I was truly impressed with this young man’s knowledge of space crafts and how he would someday like to be the captain of his very own star ship. Just a reminder that Smiley’s exhibition will be this Saturday from 9:00am to 12:00 noon in the main foyer of the library located at 21 Main St. Until next time this is yours truly Joanna Pickens signing off!
Baby Boomer Newspaper page 4.
by a. j. Lombardi Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved
On the Road with Your Host Shorty Thompson Shorty’s Adventures on The New Route 66
Howy doo folks! It’s great to be back in Larsonsville after spending so much time on the road. I have a new hum dinger of a story that is sure to make you say; “Shorty has plum done it again! First of all I want to start by saying that the new route 66 has just opened up and sure to give you folks a lot of new sights and sounds to see. The only complaint from this weary traveler is that they plum raised the speed limit to a whopping forty miles an hour! I do swear that I now know what it’s like to travel as fast as superman. “Why with gas being up to $0.25 gallon I think it would be best to lower those darn high-speed limits!
“Well, enough said about that! I want to start my first story by telling you folks about a very interesting fella I met down in that new college town they call Brenville. He’s what I like to call a “good old’ boy” and I must say he has one of the most fascinating stories I ever did hear! I know all the ladies down in Larsonsville have heard about that new singin fella Wayne Newton. I never did see him perform but I do know that with all his good looks and fancy clothes he plum makes the women folk swoon. Anyways, the fella in this here story almost had a chance to perform up there on stage with Mr. show business himself! The fella I’m a talkin about is named Ralph. He sometimes drives a bus around these here parts but mostly over in Brenville. One hot day my car done broke down and I needed a ride back to the motel where I was a stayin. I saw Ralph’s bus parked on the side of the rode and went over to get on board. Ralph was a kindly lookin fella with a big smile and long southern friendly howdy. When I entered his bus, he was listening to his transistor radio and singin to that hot new Wayne Newton song Danke Schoen. He began to tell me his story, and it goes like this; “My daddy played the accordion and he wanted me to play to! One day a fella came into town a’ wantin to produce of them their talent shows.
Daddy said, now’s your big chance boy! You bess be a’ practicin your accordion! Maybe someday you can get on the Ed Sullivan show and maybe perform with Mr. show biz hisself Mr. Wayne Newton. I plum practiced every day. The big day for the big talent show finally came and I was lookin mighty fine. I was all gussied up with daddy’s bow tie and new suspenders that uncle Elmer let me borrow. Mama said when my time came to perform to make sure to smile a lot, causin’ you never know who could be a watchin’. Ed Sullivan, or maybe Dick Clark. That’s how Elvis Presley got his start! When it was my turn to perform, I saw all those faces in the audience and started a thinkin’ bout all those folks a watchin’ me on TV. I done froze up inside! I plum forgot the words to the song! The only thing I could remember was “Danke Schoen thank you for”. I kept on a repeatin’ the same words over and over again and a’ trying to keep on smilin like mama said! Then I suddenly remembered something in the song that said; “how you tore your dress.” I then got all mixed up and said, “Danke Schoen daring Danke Schoen, how I tore my dress, what a mess Danke Schoen. Everyone started a’ laughing! It was like being in a comedy show! I looked like a plum fool sayin’ how I tore my dress! Fellars don’t wear dresses round these here parts. Needless to say, that was the end of my singing career! “Well, after hearing that story from an ” almost made it” singing star, I said I just had to tell Ralph’s story in my next column at the Larsonsville Gazette. “There you have it folks, another hot on the road story from yours truly; Shorty Tompson.
Baby Boomer Newspaper page 5.
by a. j. Lombardi Copyright © 2019 All Rights Reserved
The Money Report with Great Investment Advice from Our Very Own Chester P. Larkins
Today’s investment world is changing like no time in history! There are many good investment opportunities out there for the savvy minded investor who takes the time to go to the library and study how to invest smartly or listen to what their saying down at Elmer Tobobis’s barber shop. Many people right here in Larsonsville have stopped me on the street and asked me for the latest hot tips. “Well folks, here they are! I’ve finally compiled what I like to call “Chester’s Hot Investment Picks” Leading the pack in Chester’s #1 hot investment spot is the new 8 track tape players – for sure this hot new product will be around for years to come. Smart investment #2 would be investments into typewriter companies. Let’s face it people don’t like to write with pencils anymore and nothing will ever replace the typewriter. Smart tip #3 The transistor radio. Without question this smart listening device will never be replaced! Last but not least, smart tip #4. Companies who make the polyester leisure suite. I would also like to take this time to warn my readers to be aware of the latest investment scams. Some people have been taken very foolishly by investing in a new communication device called a “cell phone” The claim is that this new device works like a phone without a wire! “Hogwash I say! Anyone with half a brain can see that you need a wire, telephone poles and an operator in order for a phone to work!” Another investment scam going around has to do with buying stock in a new company that has a name like orange or crab apple or apple or something like that. they want one hundred dollars for what the college kids over at Brenville call an apple why dad burn it I could sell your twelve bushes of the finest apples over at Charlie dangle farm for half that price. They claim that that have invented a new product called a PC or computer. What tom foolery! We already have the slide ruler why would you need anything else! Well folks, just remember you got these hot tips right from the horse’s mouth! See you at the bank! Chester P. Larkins
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P.S. Be sure to check out Geeks Punks and Friends The funniest coming of age story you will ever read! A very funny and heartwarming coming of age story of three wimpy underdogs teenagers who go back in time traveling through Norman Rockwell's America facing many adventures of which includes joining an outlaw motorcycle gang, running with the bulls, settling a feud in a hillbilly town where everyone has two first names and more...